Monday, March 28, 2011

It all started with that freaking carrot cake...

So my work is big on celebrating birthdays. Especially the small group I am in (Accounting/ HR/ Payroll etc). It's nice, really, but it's such a test. You may not get this from my posts (or maybe you do, who knows), but I have a tendancy to be painfully shy sometimes. Once I get to know you, You can't get me to shut up, but especially in work situations and meeting new people, anny ounce of self confidence I have in myself goes out the window, and I get nervous and awkward feeling. I hate it, and it's something I'm working on.

But a big part of this is when I get in those types of situations, I normally use a crutch of some sort. When I'm at a party and feel awkward or like I don't know many people, I normally will have a drink in my hand. When I'm at work, standing with people talking, I will normally eat to make me feel  less uncomfortable. And I honestly never realized this until Friday after I ate an entire piece of carrot cake during a birthday celebration. Something when I planned it out prior I said to myself I would take the cake and eat half, or not eat it at all.

That all said, I normally have no problem saying no thank you to people at work. I thought I was successful at it. But I think when it comes down to it, and the pressure is on, I say yes to feel included, or to not feel like an outsider. I need to start telling myself the truth: That no body is noticing what I'm eating, and that putting myself out of my comfort zone will only help me at work, both professionally and comfort wise. I know that ultimately, those few moments of uncomfortability will eventually lead to me feeling more at ease, and able to talk freely, it's just the getting there that is so hard.

After work that day, I felt guilty, and angry with myself. I was wishing I could have been stronger, and not given in so easily, without even putting up a fight. And that uncomfortable fullness was gone by 5pm, andI was starting to get hungry again, as I head out to my friends birthday without having time to eat dinner. I had a veggie quesadilla, and It was actually chock full of veggies, and pretty delicious. I felt ok with my choice, but it didn't end there...

At the next bar my friend got wings and curly fries. While the wings I could resist, the curly fries were RIGHT in front of me. While I far from ate the entire plate, i did have a good serving of fries, (which were awesome btw). And then at the next bar M got nachos...

I was so full when I got home, to the point where my stomach hurt. I KNOW that this is my journey, and that I need to resist temptations like that, but there are certain situations where it's just hard.

I felt.. off Saturday morning (and throughout the day). I was sad and discouraged, and didn't want to do anything. I was dissapointed in myself for not being more OP,and felt, again, guilty for my behavior.

So why, when I feel guilty, do I not stop, switch it up and get back on track?  Why, instead, do I compliment my bad behavior with:
    • Peanut Butter M&Ms
    • Soda
    • Cookies
Because I had ALL of that on Saturday. And it didn't make me feel any better, but instead made me feel sluggish, and tired.

I did do a bit better on Sunday. Woke up refreshed, new day blah blah blah. I measured all my food, went to the gym, and had a movie date with a friend, (and her boyfriend. I have no problem hanging around with couples, but everytime I hang out with her, her bf joins in. And they are both more sensitive types, so saying something would cause drama. But there's a reason I sometimes avoid hanging out with her one on one. Its just plain awkward to hang out with a couple who jump and tickle each other. And When you call them out on their pda, they are just "expressing" themselves), which I did indulge inpopcorn and some candy for (hey, I didn't have lunch!) but it was twizzlers, and I tracked them.

Today I am fully recommitted. Back on track. I want to get to 205 by the end of April. and snacking and cheating won't get me there. I need to not indulge the way I did this weekend, and plan a hell of a lot better.

My plan (revised)
-Work out Today Wednesday and Thursday.
-Take a walk Tuesday
-No ordering out lunches, and portion out dinners!
-Stick to fruits veggies and healthy snacks when I'm hungry. It'll keep the sugar cravings at bay.

And worry about myself. Not what others are eating/doing.

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