I bit the bullet...

5K - 11:00 A.M. Sunday March 13, 2011
Davis Square Somerville, Massachusetts
 

And signed up. I've been talking myself out of it (It's too soon/I'm not ready/I am still having my issues with gastro problems), but I had a good run on Sunday, and I think if I stick with it, I'll be able to match my time from my race in November (I hope). Either way 2 weeks. Here. We. Go

WI Results and a Review

So wednesday night, I decided to do a video instead of going to the gym. I get into a rut really easily, and I find the videos combined with the gym are a great way to keep me motivated, and keep things switched up. I do a video about once a week, and the gym 3X, which is a good balance, I think.

Anyways, Wednesday night I come home to this:

I bought it for my sister as part of her christmas present. I did it once before, about a month ago. I was sore after, but I was (at that point) working out consistently, especially focusing on my abs. Since my surgery, I haven't done any ab workouts, because every time I tried it would hurt a bit, which freaked me out (I'm paranoid that I'm just going to bust open or start bleeding or something. It's ridiculous, especially since my cuts are fully healed now.)

So I figured I felt worked the first time around, and that's what I was looking for this time too.

Maybe I didn't try enough the first time around, or maybe I didn't do it right. Something was up, because this time, by 5pm the next day, I was sore. I mean, really sore, like considering skipping my workout because sitting down is a hassle sore.

My upper body is ok, but my abs? Word to the wise, do not do this video if you haven't done an ab workout in awhile, because it hurts to sit now. And my glutes/upper thighs are killer (which I think is combined from my workout yesterday as well). It sucks now, but I know that the next time I workout I'll feel better/stronger, which is the ultimate goal.

So overall, a solid workout video. Some of the moves are a bit too hard for me (I don't know If I'll ever be able to do a side plank, sorry Jillian), but overall I burnt 450 calories in the 50 minutes the video took. Which is pretty damn good. Plus, I can feel it, which as much as it sucks, is awesome :-)


My WI today was down -.2. At least I was down. I am thinking that my muscle pain is causing some water retention, because I was really good this week. But oh well, at least I lost, and I will keep it up and hopefully see a BIG loss next week!

Common Ground

Growing up, my mother's favorite thing to say to me when I would whine and complain about going to church on Sunday was "A family that prays together, stays together".

Corny? Absolutely. But it never failed to make me feel guilty, like my 7 year old self was going to singlehandedly tear apart my family because I refused to go to church.

What's the point of this? Well I was at the gym with M yesterday, and I found myself thinking "A couple that works out together stays together"

:-)

Wicked goofy, but I can't even begin to tell you what a positive impact M taking control of his weight has had on me.

We started dating a little over three years ago, and by 2 months in I was completely and totally smitten. We did LD for the year and a half I had left at school, which sucked, but we made it work, and it honestly was through those 3 hour phone calls back and forth that I got to know him so well.

I came home the summer after my junior year about 20 pounds heavier than I left, thanks mostly to being depressed about abroad ending, and  being back at Fairfield. I was also not working out, and working at the Loft which had me eating on the go a lot. Plus I had a car now, so I no longer needed to walk to work every day. That following summer was full of drinking, eating and going on birth control which definitely made me gain. It's not the blame, I practiced no self control and rarely worked out. I wanted to spend all my free time with M,  and made up every excuse in the book to order that large sandwich or skip the gym "just that one time".

This is basically the story of my life, btw. The only difference is I used M as my excuse. Subconsciously, I knew what I was doing, but I am awesome at convincing myself that bad behavior is ok.

 When I graduated and moved back home back in Spring 09, nothing changed. I still found reasons to not go to the gym, and to eat poorly. I joined WW initially in October 09, but by January I had lost 5 pounds, and felt like I wasn't gaining anything. I told myself I can do this myself. And I did do something, I gained about 25 pounds in 3 months.

Obviously, this didn't continue on forever, but longer than I wish it had. It's not like M isn't supportive, he's my biggest cheerleader. But he was brought up eating large portions (like me) and take out a few times a week. And I have a really hard time saying no to chinese food.

Eventually I found my balance, in April 10. After seeing my pictures from a Florida trip with two friends, I rejoined WW, started to focus on eating healthier, working out consistently, etc. I set up small goals, like plan for good lunches and breakfast, and to work out 2X a week, which I gradually increased.

M isn't nearly as overweight as I am, but he wasn't active, and was still eating poorly. After he came home from his grandmother's funeral, he started his change. He was probably 50 pounds overweight at this time, and was feeling tired and sluggish all the time. He has a history of diabetes in his family, which made him nervous, and gave him the courage to start losing. He focused on implementing fruits and veggies into his diet, snacking less and eating smaller portions. He works out 3-5 times a week,  and in the past 5 months has dropped about 35 pounds. Instead of lying around all weekend, we go to the gym at least once together, and instead of eating out we either get sandwich meats/ salad ingredients, or we find a healthy recipie (he's started to love skinny taste just as much as I do!) and try and make it, which I've started to love more than going out to eat.

 I always denied how much M affected me weight wise. I mean, I've always been big, that has nothing to do with him. But having a partner to go to the gym with, or being able to ask if we can try and make this meal a healthy one really makes all the difference. I no longer feel bad for pushing out meeting times back because I want to work out,or requesting that we don't have the fatty lunches/dinners. We both want to get healthy for our futures, so we can feel and look better. That common ground to me has become so important, because it's extra motivation. When it was just me losing the weight, I would fall off track pretty easily, for whatever reasons. Just knowing that M is doing the same thing, and is being successful makes me want to try harder, and make him proud of me. I know when we move in together he won't care when I buy all healthy food, because he'll take it as a blessing in disguise. It makes me that more confident that I can do this, and that we will be achieving our goals together :-)

good weekends :-)

So to start, my WI results were a 1.6 loss :-) Which was great, and I found really inspiring to start out my weekend.

Friday night we went to Rick's cafe for my sister's birthday dinner. It was very nice, and pretty damn affordable. It's a really cute place, one of those looks a little dingy outside but is really nice inside. Plus they have a piano bar, so you hear the piano while you eat, and some of the best martinis :-)

IT was a nice meal, it;'s been awhile since my mom, and most of my sisters went out to eat, you could tell my mom really enjoyed it, I know she's been lonely lately, especially where my dad and sister are away in Ireland for the week.

I'm also proud to say that I did not overindulge, and still got to have a martini. I ordered the small order of steak tips, with a baked potato with sourcream and butter on the side. I also had a small Caesar salad, and a small piece of bread. I only used an estimated tablespoon of each, and only ate half my potato :-) the steak tips were pretty skimpy, but tasty, which is really what's important.

I proceeded to have 3 beers with M after this, but still only went over my points by about 10, thanks to my low calorie meals throughout the day.

Saturday afternoon instead of eating out, M and I started our new thing, which we want to do a lot more to save money and calories. We went to the grocery store, got deli meats, and made some delicious spicy turkey sandwiches with Munster cheese, on a ciabata roll. It was awesome, and I didn't feel all nasty afterwards.

The rest of Saturday went through without issues, and I had two NSV!
1. I went to the gym with my sister, who was home from college for her birthday. We forgot the gym closed at 7, but I still had a great workout on the eliptical for 35 minutes.
2. I went out on Saturday, but didn't drink. I will say, I was bored and kind of irritated because my friends were pretty drunk, but hey, at least I didn't consume calories that I didn't need/want to consume! Plus, I had a piece of amazing cake earlier, so I had maxed out my points for the day at that point.

Sunday I wasn't as good ,went out for breakfast  and had 3 eggs, wheat toast, with bacon and home fries. I only ate half the home fries, and the rest of it was delicious and kept me full for the rest of the day. I wanted to go to the gym, like I normally do, but I went shopping instead, and by the time I got home I was exhausted and not in the mood to workout. so I relaxed instead, ate dinner with mom, and then went out with M when he got outta work at 9. We went to this bar over in porter that he has been dying to try, called Cambridge Common.

They are known for their  beer selection (20+ beers on tap!) and pretty awesome food. We started out with a sampler, which was great. I love going to beer bars and getting their samplers, because I love trying new beers, but I don't love everything (I've had my share of blah beers), so I'd much rather get a 5 oz sampler than pay all the money for a full beer :-)

After we had tried out a few, we decided to get an IPA

Mine was better than his :-) I also had a delicious Allagash, and then we left. It was a really nice place though, we're definitely going back sometime soon :-)

Thankfully, I had today off for the holiday, so we slept in, made sandwiches and then went to the gym for a solid hour and half. I burnt off 960 calories, had an awesome run and got some great weight training in.

And here we are :-) I think this has been one of my more successful weekends yet, and I feel really good about myself right now. I'm also making a deliciously low cal beef stew, which I'm now going to enjoy :-) Hope fully I carry my good WW vibes it into the week!

10 pounds in 13 weeks

So lately, I've been feeling... discouraged. Not by the above mentioned number, I mean all things considered (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Surgery), those are decent results. November 11 2010 I weight 227.5, as of February 11 I weighed in at 218, the lowest weight I've been probably;y since I was in London (weighed around 220) and definitely since before High School.


I've been discouraged with my effort. I reached a point where I was doing all the stuff that I'm supposed to be fighting against:
-I've been "indulging" almost nightly. Whether it is a cup of ice cream, cookies my sister made, or having some drinks. Not Good!
-I've been doing the add-on thing: When I'm at the grocery store, or a take out place, I'll add on that candy bar/cookie/brownie to my meal, as a treat. Ok every once and awhile, but not EVERY time
- I've been lax about my measuring. Not overdoing it, but definitely eye-balling
Now I don't think these things will necesarily ruin my WLJ. I've still been losing, and I've become very good at tracking EVERYTHING. And doing it at the moment, not tracking my entire weekend on Monday morning, like I used to do. I also have adopted the 85/15 rule:

I focus on being OP 85% of the time, and allow myself a 15% leeway for indulgences, and any type of special events that I want to enjoy myself at. the past few months, I'd say I've been more 60/40. which isn't following WW. I'm still losing, but it's more than that. I need to adopt a stricter lifestyle, so that when I get close to my goal weight, and I have 7 less points, I won't struggle as much. And for when I hit goal, I won't have as much trouble maintaining said weight.


It ain't easy. Especially being 23, and having a semi-active social life. M and I like to go out, we like to drink, we like to eat. It's hard to balance what I like to do, with following WW. Over the summer, I found that balance. I only drink twice (maybe three) times a week. I try and stop myself when I've found a good place, without going over board (please see the work try. It doesn't always happen).
But I'm young. I don't want to look back on my 20's and say that I didn't let myself enjoy life because I was so focused on losing weight. Not that you need to drink and eat in order to lose weight, but its easier to tell me to go out and not drink than to actually do it. I like going out for a few, and feeling relaxed after having said drinks. I like to try new things, new bars. I've definitely moved out of my "get drunk till you can't walk anymore" phase- I hate getting that drunk now. I feel gross the next day, and embarrassed. That said, going out on Friday nights and having 3-4 beers/mixed drinks is nice. I'm going to make WW work with that :-)

So my goal for the next month or so is to go back to what I was doing over the summer. I was following WW to a Tee during the week. light desserts (if at all), no drinking except for the occasional Tuesday night trivia, plan out all my meals/snacks for the week. Come the weekend, I still try and eat healthy at meal times, but I let myself breathe a little bit. I try and earn as many APs as I eat WP, to balance them out. I try to only use 20-30 WP, to allow for the items that I under track, or forget about (I'm human, I'm sure it has happened).

I was consistently losing 1-2 pounds a week, I know I can get back to that!
And this is what, my millionth time recommitting? Hopefully it sticks. I just need to find that motivation that is so hard in the wintertime to find :-/ I've had a pretty good week so far (especially compared to the past few), and have been excellent about tracking, so hopefully it pays off and gives me the motivation to keep going! and do even better!

Valentines Day Pity party

I've just been down lately, which I think is a collective thing. A lot of my friends have expressed similar feelings. I have no real reason for it, except with all the stress in my family lately, it's been getting to me.
It unfortunetly culminated on Monday night (yes, Valentine's Day).

M and I aren't big on the holiday, I get irritated, because everything is overpriced, and I just feel like it's become an excuse to brag about the expensive meal you had or the amazing gifts your BF gave you (seriously, my facebook page was filled with pictures and comments "Look at how amazing my boyfriend is, he obviously adores me because he spent 50 bucks to have flowers delivered and 100 on an expensive meal.").

 M shows/tells me he loves me every day. I don't need him to take me out for an overpriced meal to show that. I got irritated with it all, and put me in a crappy mood. I saw M after he got off work at 10, and took it out on him, which upset him (I insulted his meal, and said he doesn't put enough energy into our relationship, he never surprises me etc. It was dumb, because I know he's not that type. I've never had an issue with it before, why now?). Especially where he did get me flowers, specifically with lillies which I love. So after the fact I felt like even more of an ass, because I had these beauties:

 But I was already upset, and we argued, over nothing. This eventually turned to him asking me repetitvely why I am unhappy, which turned into my crying because of a million different reasons (my parents complaining abotu their valentines gifts, arguing over nothing, silly other things)

Which turned into a Marie pity party about how I was feeling that I never get anything back, which is why I was upset with M for not whisking me off my feet. It was silly, and coupled with the fact that it was my TOM which just made everything that much worse. After M realized that my crying and anger had really nothing to do with him, he relaxed and was awesome in making me feel better. I love my family, but they put so many of their problems on me to deal with/fix, and living at home makes it so much worse. I hate to say it, but whenever someone is upset about something, or something goes wrong, it somehow becomes my problem too. My parents obsess about everything, but never actually deal with the issue.

When little sister M is feeling sad and depressed and has asked to see someone about it (shes in HS), guess who has to help her through it, because my parents figure it will just "go away"

When our awful tenant is finally moving out, guess who is left alone with her two younger sisters to oversee the moving out and make sure everything goes ok because the owners of the goddamn house decided to go down the cape for the night, to escape the "pressure"

When other younger sister P is clearly struggling with eating problems and takes her anger out on everyone around her, guess who is decided to be at fault for not being "supportive of her"?


It's just too much, and I'm so tired of always being the bad guy/ being in charge of making things better. It's taking its toll on me, and causing me to take out on others around me :-/. I really hope M finds a job soon (it's not fair how long he's been looking). He has similar issues with his parents, and its for the best that we both move out, as soon as possible. I know my relationship with my family is 10 times better when I'm not living at home, I actually enjoy the time I spend with them and am not waiting to leave.

(sorry for the emo post, I'll be better next time, I promise!)

Valentines day Weekend!

So a quick recap, because of this:

It's hard to tell, because you guys out  there haven't seen my fingers before :-P but I clumsily spilt soup while pouring it ALL OVER MY HAND :-(. I have two large blisters forming, which above all else make typingVERY painful :-/ So this has been a day long post attempt

-Friday I had a very pointy breakfast (pumpkin spice latte and and egg and cheese sandwich :-P), and so had fewer points left over for the evening than I normally do. Friday was M and I's valentine's day celebration, since it's on a Monday and he works, and I work Tuesday morning. He made me a delicious chicken curry meal, with white rice and a ton of veggies (including broccoli which he hates, but told me that he would set them aside for me to mix in- If that's not love I don't know what is)


We then went out for drinks. Our plan was to start in Porter Square and work our way back to Harvard. But the train decided other things, more specifically to wait at each station for 5 minutes, making our 30 minute train ride to cambridge take almost an hour. So we ended up getting off in Central and doing a mini crawl from there to Harvard instead. M was distraught dissapointed (His initial reaction was "this night is ruined!!" which sparked an argument. He's a diva sometimes haha but the second bar he wanted to attend is a big beer bar that he has been dying to try), but we are going to go with my mom's xmas gift card to him next weekend, so that mollified him :-)


Overall we had a great time, and walked a fair amount too (I have the blisters to prove it!). No drunk eating (hes gotten very good at telling me no, when I ask for food haha. Unless I'm feeling sick of course.)


Saturday his mom bought us lunch, and I chose a chicken stir fry pocket, which was a splurge but a definite better option than others. I also indulged in 3 chicken wings :-( but oh well, could have been worse.

Instead of working out when I got home, I watched sex and the city reruns and snacked on peanut butter. Can you say stereotype? Way to be Marie.

I was disapointed in myself after this, but then my sister came home, and I balanced out, made myself a light dinner (cheeseburger stir fry with oven fries. Doesn't sound light, but it was full of veggies, and well tracked!) I did have one mini whoopie pie, but kept myself to that :-) No drinking, and I spent some quality time with the sisters

Sunday after being distracted by 27 dresses for an hour, I headed to the gym. I got a crazy cramp again, but switched to the eliptical and had agood workout :-) I got in some awesome weight training too, and burnt 1000 calories :-) I was munchy and hungry for most of the day, but didnt overeat and felt good by sunday night :-)

I'll try and post again midweek, when I have use of my left hand :-)

Week 45

I maintained :-) I know exactly why, and plan on rocking that scale next week!

I went from zero to 100 in an hour

I won't lie, as I typed that I started singing "zero to hero" in my head :-)
So anwyays, I've been in a funk. I have no better word for it. It does not excuse my weekend, at all. But It is why I have struggled so much this week.

Lets recap a bit:
- Monday I was tired. I ate my breakfast per norm, and then around 10am, I started to feel nauseous, lightheaded, and funky. I bought some food, and felt a lot better, but all day I just felt...off. My workout that night sucked. Which was hard, because after that day I really could have used a good workout.

-Tuesday and Wednesday went on a little bit of the same. I've been dealing with some personal family stuff, that is nothing terrible, but irritating and dramatic, and stressful. So that has had a definite negative impact on my mood. I've been making poorish choices, because I've just been feeling so crappy and irritable. I mean, I've been relatively healthy, but snacking more than I should, and feeling just bloated and gross.


Now enter my workout today. I was nervous that it would be another bad one. I had a decent day eating wise, healthy choices all that jazz. But I was still feeling off, and spent a lot of the day worrying about the stuff that's going on in my life, and absolutely not feeling like going to the gym.

But I went.

And it was awesome.

I burnt 800 calories, had a great run for the first time in a long time, and spent a solid half hour with free weights. I absolutely needed that, and I love that instead of turning to comfort food, or watching trashy tv, I worked out, and am actually happy with that choice. It shows me how far I've come in the past year.

Let's compare
This time last year:
-I was working out on and off still, maybe 2 times a week. Now, I've worked my way up to 4 steady workouts a week, sometimes 5 if I have the time (outside of the time off for the surgery)
-Every workout was a struggle. I wasn't enjoying the eliptical, and hadn't found the C25K yet, so didn't feel that walking was enough. Now I am redoing the C25K (since I kind of fell off), and can run 2 miles without a major issue
-I would focus most of my workout on nautilus type machines. Now I've incorporated so much more free weights, and can really see the difference, and feel like I'm getting more of a workout in.

I'm just really psyched to have finally had a really good workout (I had a decent one on Sunday, but it wasn't great), it's such a motivating feeling, especially where I'm expecting a gain tomorrow, I enjoy looking back on where I've come from, and how different my life is compared to last year.

So tomorrow, gain or lose, I'm moving forward. My plan for the weekend:
-Focus on GHG's at meals
-get in at least one workout
-limit my drinks
-Track everything!

Can a weekend be both good and bad?

I think so, because mine definitely was. And since I normally do "the good vs the bad", I'm going to go with, it's ok to have both. I struggle so much with the weekends. After portions, it's the toughest part of my weight loss journey.

It started out pretty good. M and I made steak tips, sweet potato oven fries, and sugar snap peas for dinner. It was delicious. I had one beer to calm down after my 2 hour drive home (legit. I fucking hate traffic), and then we went out to the cambridge brewing company to have a few more delicious beers. Yes, it was 20 points, but it was such fun, and so tastey, I deem it worth it. Plus I came home drunk and didn't drunk eat. so go me!

I am a self described beer snob (I'm sure I've mentioned this before), which makes weekends on WW really hard. I'm ok with only having one during the week, or not drinking at all until the weekend (my most recent method),but for M and I, we love nothing more than going to breweries, or liquor stores and trying new types of beers. We often sit with his computer and go through beeradvocate.com, and go through different companies, finding new stuff to try. So even though it may eat up my points each week, I will never give up my beer. I might substitute in wine or liquor where I can, or stop drinking where normally I'd have one or two more, but to me, it's something I enjoy (the flavors, the different types, etc), and WW can be worked around it. I hate light beer, and would rather not drink and save my points than drink something I hate the taste of.


but enough of me rambling :-). So saturday was a different story. After blowing 80 bucks on an oil change and car inspection (blech), M and I grabbed chinese food for lunch. Our lunches out on Saturdays are a habit that we have both decided to stop. For money and health reasons. It was 26 points of deliciousness though :-)

following this, I decided to have a healthy dinner. At least it would have been healthy, if not for my snacking. My sister made this chili, and I couldn't get enough of it. I coupled it with a baked potato, and left over fish. It was good, but definitely more points than I wanted to spend, especially after my chinese fiasco. And I went out for my friends birthday later on in the night, so I drank (only one beer, I offered to drive, which I am actually happy about), and M was hungry when we returned, so he whipped out a frozen pizza. Which was delicious, but that's not the point.

Then there was the superbowl. I wouldn't call the superbowl a disaster, by any means. I had a small plate, and I served myself modest portions onto it. Took breaks in between trying things. However, I did try everything. And while nothing was a complete calorie bomb, ish adds up. So i had 2 50 point days in a row. Blech

I need to learn to indulge without going overboard. I need to learn to say no to things, and not be afraid to actually measure instead of estimating when I'm around other people (especially M). It's my health, and the weight isn't going away if I don't stay OP.It's frustrating because to me right now, it all makes sense. But then when I'm faced with opposition, I fall back into my old ways.

But anyways. Eventually, it'll click. It has in the past, and I'm going to use this weekend as a method to learn this. M and I are celebrating Valentines day on Friday night (he works Sat Sun Mon nights, and I have to work Tuesday morning, so this way we can have our fun!). He is cooking me a thai dish, and then we are going on a mini bar crawl. Wicked excited, as we did something similar last year and it was so much fun. But I can watch my drunk eating, my portions, and my drink intake (i'm going to rotate mixed drinks and beer, to cut down on the point damage), and try and be a good WW

And prior to that, I will be a good WW as well. I think for lunch this week I'm going to stick with leftovers, and on days (like today ) where I forget, I'll grab subway. It is a 5 minute walk, but it gets me walking on my break, and it's a pretty healthy option. :-)
Also, I have a work out schedule in place:

• Monday: 30 minutes running, 20-30 minutes eliptical
• Tuesday: rest
• Wednesday: 30 minutes running, 30 minutes weights
• Thursday: depending on how I feel, (soreness wise) either no more trouble zones or a more cardio focused video. Or pure cardio at the gym.

I think it's something I can stick with, and I can earn a bunch of APs to make up for my not so great weekend :-)

Financial Health

So I set up a new page called Financial Goals. After reviewing my bank account, I am dissapointed with myself. I use my debit card too easily, and am not as good at deals as I used to be.

I used to live off about 150 a week, now I make over 500 a week, and yet can only save maybe a fraction of that.

So here are my:
FEBRUARY GOALS
Hit 6000 in savings by 2/28/11 (currently at 5090, so that is two paychecks, about 1090 each, I hope to save close to half of those paychecks)

stay in budget for the month of February

limit spending on food, alcohol

No Shopping

Try Cash spending. Take out X amount each week and that is it for extras

Amount budgeted:
Spending: 1259
Necesities: 848
Car insurance+ premium (one time only in feb) - 270
Car payment: 223
Phone: 115
groceries (I live at home, so this cost is limited to work lunches, and dinners that M and I cook) 120
Gas: 120 (about 30 a week)

so 400 I spend on extra things (in my budget anyways) For February these are my limits:

entertainment: 20 dollars (things like movie rentals, going to the movies. I am pretty good about this sort of thing, but I am bad at returning movies on time, so I'm going to make a conscious effort to fix that)

Alcohol and Bars: 60 (Believe me when I say that for me, to only spend 60 dollars on alcohol is good. I only plan on going out out twice this month, and the rest will be cheaper options. I realize that it would be easy to just cut this out, but I enjoy  these nights out, and don't do much outside of this)

Date night/Groceries/restaurants: 45/20/20 (This will be trying for me. I group these all seperate, but they are all times that I eat out, or buy food to make special)

Clothing : 50( and I hope to make this 0)

Health and Beauty: 35 ( I gotta cut out those CVS trips.)

Travel : 20 (so I don't get tempted to take cabs on nights out!)

Cash : 50.00 ( for misc expenses. I will try to no longer be putting these misc expenses, such as candy, coffee, etc on my card)

Coffee Shops:20.00 (DBF and I have a tradition of going to marylous after working out. It's a special thing, but those 2 dollar coffees add up! so I hope to make this less than 20 this month, and use cash for it instead).
 
I'll check in midmonth to see how I'm doing. Any advice is much appreciated!