Monday, May 23, 2011

It's Starting to Get to Me

The weather, that is. It's just nasty outside!
I thought about it after posting, and realized that I need to stop getting impatient. For the past year I've been so ok with losing .4 and .2, because I was losing, and that's all the matters. And hey, over the past year I've lost over 50 pounds, and that is ok with me :-)

I think it was more I was hoping to hit somewhere in the 204 Friday, and still being in 205 was dissapointing. I think 204.8 would have been very different, which is silly :-)

Anyways, friday night M and I had a beer, ordered burgers (which were delicious and I devoured, because I was that hungry), and then headed over to our friends place for a party. It was a lot of fun, I only went one beer over my plan (which was probably unrealistic anyways) and stopped myself about 2 hours before we left, partially because I didn't want to get drunk and have to stay, and partially because I knew I had enough :-) Highlights include a rousing game of flip cup which My time dominated and sang the victory song after each round (you know, the one they play at hockey games when they win?), my car almost being towed and me running like my life depended on it to make sure I moved it before the truck arrived (the truck was down the street btw. sketch it is public parking there was no need for me to be towed), and getting to see a whole lot of friends that I haven't seen in awhile.

Saturday I was happy to wake up sans hangover, and M and I grabbed stir fry from Hannafords. Which was delicious, and 5.50, which was even better :-)

After a lazy day I headed out for a walk with the puppy. Our entire walk looked like this:

Which made me think, huh, today would be a great day for a run! So I had a mini snack, refilled my water, and headed out to a different park. When I got there it looked like this:

minus the horses. Seriously the clouds just came in!

So I went to the gym with my sister instead, and did about 45 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes of strength. My final number was 760 calories burnt, which isn't too shabby :-)
Sunday I slept in, which was nice and relaxing. I didn't get out of bed till about 11, and am proud to say that I woke up and did the 30 day shred. Nice way to start the day, I was psyched. I kept up my healthy with making a nice scrambled egg breakfast, and getting ready to go out with some friends.

We went to see Bridesmaids, which was absolutely hilarious and I loved it! I highly reccomend it and am totally making M watch it with me when it comes out on DVD. It was a nice blend of both physical and witty humor, and I officially have a small girl crush on Kristen Wiig, haha.

Afterwards we went to Target, where I got the cutest dress. I'm so excited to wear it, maybe this weekend if the sun comes out, if not definetly on my vacation next month! I had a minor irritating moment, because one of mt HS friends was in a weird mood, and maybe it was in my head, but I felt like everything out of her mouth was a dig at me for whatever reason. Gotta love the passive agressiveness. Oh well I'm brushing my shoulders off, I have no need for negativity in my life, right? The weirdness was counterbalanced by one of my other friends telling me that she wanted to be discreet, but that she thought I looked really good and asked what I was doing, which felt great!

I was thinking about all this yesterday, and realized that a year ago, I would have been really upset about my friends behavior, and what's more, I would have been hurt  by it.I remember when I first came back from abroad thinner than when I left, she would make comments about how I was anorexic and needed to eat more, which made me uncomfortable, and want to overeat in front of her just to make her be quiet. Which is awful, a friend should never make you feel like that.

   I've reached a point where I am actually becoming happy with how I look and feel, and realize that I'm doing this journey for myself, and no one else. I love the positive reinforcement I get, and I'm so lucky to have so many supportive people in my life (my family, M, most of my friends, etc). But what is most important is that I don't need it. I've been doing this journey for over a year now, and my friends only started to comment on my weight loss in the last 3-4 months. And yet, I've been losing consistently without it.

Is it nice? Hell yes! But I'm not doing this so I'm more attractive to other people, or so people can envy me. Why would I want that? I was telling M about what this "friend" said yesterday, and all the little jibes I got, and the conversation turned towards my weight loss and how awesome I looked. I hate the stigma that him saying that I'm more attractive now gets, because when he said it, he felt like he had to cover his tracks, when I totally got what he meant. It's not that he didn't find me pretty before, but obviously as I lose weight, I become more attractive to him. I have no doubt in my mind that if I gained all the weight back (lets knock on wood that doesn't happen) he would love me just as much. But as he put it, I seem happier with myself as well, and that just adds to it. Which is an awesome feeling that he can notice that :-)

Enough rambling, It's just sort of interesting to look back on how I've changed the past year. I'm so happy and proud of myself for all that I have accomplished, and I know that I will make my goal, I'm strong and confident in my ability. I also have a clearer sense of what I am and who I want to be. I realize that a lot of my time in the past has been spent gossiping, putting others down for one reason or another (out of hurt feelings, or insecurity), and that regardless of those feelings, it's never ok to do that. I have made a promise to myself ever since my blowup at Mohegan that I'm going to focus on being a better person, and not talk as much. It's already making me happier, see things clearer, and feel better about myself.

This weight loss journey isn't just about what shows on the scale. As cheesy as it is, I feel myself changing in all parts of my life. And it's all change for the better, which is awesome :-)

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