I've just been down lately, which I think is a collective thing. A lot of my friends have expressed similar feelings. I have no real reason for it, except with all the stress in my family lately, it's been getting to me.
It unfortunetly culminated on Monday night (yes, Valentine's Day).
M and I aren't big on the holiday, I get irritated, because everything is overpriced, and I just feel like it's become an excuse to brag about the expensive meal you had or the amazing gifts your BF gave you (seriously, my facebook page was filled with pictures and comments "Look at how amazing my boyfriend is, he obviously adores me because he spent 50 bucks to have flowers delivered and 100 on an expensive meal.").
M shows/tells me he loves me every day. I don't need him to take me out for an overpriced meal to show that. I got irritated with it all, and put me in a crappy mood. I saw M after he got off work at 10, and took it out on him, which upset him (I insulted his meal, and said he doesn't put enough energy into our relationship, he never surprises me etc. It was dumb, because I know he's not that type. I've never had an issue with it before, why now?). Especially where he did get me flowers, specifically with lillies which I love. So after the fact I felt like even more of an ass, because I had these beauties:
Which turned into a Marie pity party about how I was feeling that I never get anything back, which is why I was upset with M for not whisking me off my feet. It was silly, and coupled with the fact that it was my TOM which just made everything that much worse. After M realized that my crying and anger had really nothing to do with him, he relaxed and was awesome in making me feel better. I love my family, but they put so many of their problems on me to deal with/fix, and living at home makes it so much worse. I hate to say it, but whenever someone is upset about something, or something goes wrong, it somehow becomes my problem too. My parents obsess about everything, but never actually deal with the issue.
When little sister M is feeling sad and depressed and has asked to see someone about it (shes in HS), guess who has to help her through it, because my parents figure it will just "go away"
When our awful tenant is finally moving out, guess who is left alone with her two younger sisters to oversee the moving out and make sure everything goes ok because the owners of the goddamn house decided to go down the cape for the night, to escape the "pressure"
When other younger sister P is clearly struggling with eating problems and takes her anger out on everyone around her, guess who is decided to be at fault for not being "supportive of her"?
It's just too much, and I'm so tired of always being the bad guy/ being in charge of making things better. It's taking its toll on me, and causing me to take out on others around me :-/. I really hope M finds a job soon (it's not fair how long he's been looking). He has similar issues with his parents, and its for the best that we both move out, as soon as possible. I know my relationship with my family is 10 times better when I'm not living at home, I actually enjoy the time I spend with them and am not waiting to leave.
(sorry for the emo post, I'll be better next time, I promise!)