Monday, June 4, 2012

Finding a Happy Place

So the good news is that besides friday, I actually had a pretty good weekend.

My weigh in Friday was a maintain, which was whatever, I was sore from working out. I ran for a little bit on Thursday night (1 minute running, 90 seconds walking). It felt good, but I was sore afterwards, really sore. By Sunday though my hip pain had gone away, which is good. I'm going to try to run once a week and see if that makes a difference, and lets me get back into running. I'll tell you what, it felt good.  I felt strong and sweaty and happy for the first time in a long time.

When I first went on the pill (yea, full disclosure here haha), I kind of had a crazy 6 months. It made me feel crazed and unstable. One second I was totally fine, and the next I was crying uncontrollably over something not worthy of those tears. I eventually went to see someone about it, because it wasn't normal, or okay. She helped me sort through my emotions and frustrations, and instead of suggesting medicine, or more therapy, she asked me an important question.

"Think about it. When do you feel happy"

And after I thought about it, I realized that the time when I'm my happiest was when I left the gym. This was back in 2008, I was still in college, and still teetering around 240-250, obviously working out wasn't a huge part of my life. But that one day a week when I actually made it to the gym, I would always leave in a more content, balanced mood.

So I started working out more consistently. My eating still wasn't fully there, so I didn't lose a ton of weight, maybe 5-10 pounds, but it helped "even" me out a bit.

So obviously, since I didn't really start my weight loss journey till 2010, This wasn't the "start". While this woman helped me immensely, she didn't get me to lose weight. She taught me ways to express my emotions without letting them build up, and taught me that the gym is more than just a weight loss tool, but is so much more for your mental and overall health as well.

So what does this have to do with anything really?

Since February, I've been dealing with bursitis, and not being able to work out like I did. Because of that, my consistency has fallen- 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off because guess what? My hip acted up again. There is such a fine line between recognizing serious pain and babying a minor injury. I really can't tell what I've been doing, besides getting tired of just walking, and not having that motivation I used to have.

 Anyways, because of this, for the first time in two years, I lack a workout schedule, and that consistency that became such a huge part of my life, and most importantly my well being. As a result, I've become, for lack of a better word depressed. How's that for irony? I couldn't work out for awhile, which affected me mentally, and then I became all sad and gloomy, and didn't want to do anything after work/ in my downtime, it's just a vicious cycle.

So my point? Recognizing this was half the battle. I'm not saying it's any easier to get out there and get back into a routine, but at the same time, My last two workouts (Thursday and Sunday) I did the same thing I have been doing:
"ugh I don't know, I don't feel 100%"
"maybe I should just leave it till tomorrow, I'll feel better then"
etc etc.. The difference? Is these two workouts, I ended it with this:
"I know I'll feel better afterwards, it's just a half hour, I can finish early if I really want to still"

3 months I've been battling with this. And that simple recognition was enough to get me 3 workouts in a week. It's not perfect, and it's definitely not close to where I was. But it's a start.  

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