Wednesday, December 7, 2011

The "Old" Me

"What did the old you used to over indulge on? "

This question was posed on the Weight Watcher boards today, and while I don't like thinking of my past as the "old me" (because I'm still the same person, basically), it got me thinking.

I've changed a lot in the past five years. I'm a lot more independant than I used to be (I used to rely on others for self satisfaction, instead of trying to be self sufficient, and basically did whatever others wanted me to do), and I owe my time in London to that, because going abroad knowing no one and being forced out of my shell and to depend on no one but myself did a lot for me.

I got back from London and felt like a different person. I was self assured, confident (thanks to my 20 pound weight loss haha) and excited to continue exploring and learning about myself and my world around me (as corny as that sounds). And then I went back to FU, where I was constantly made to feel inadequate by others, and that new found confidence vanished. I missed my abroad life, or even my home life. It was the first time I was truly honest with myself: I wasn't very happy there.

I took solace in food, and just felt lost. I had my friend D (and this was the semester that we became really tight), but I missed my boyfriend, and my family and friends from home. I missed my london friends, and my life. I hated being surrounded by people who didn't "get" me, and more importantly, had no interest in getting to know me, at all.

I can't help but wonder if I hadn't lost my confidence, and instead had it built up further, would I have regained the weight, or would my WW starting point have been 220 instead of 258? I'll never know, but sometimes its fun to look back on how much things have changed. Even in the last year, I have such different priorities than I did in the past. And I think, overall, that is a good thing. I managed to have so much success on WW because I made my health a priority. Sure, I wanted to candy bar, or that extra beer, or the extra serving, but I didn't need it. And having it wasn't going to help me lose any faster. I was so good about it! It was great!

So lets backtrack a little bit. Everyone has their reasons for gaining weight and needing to lose. Here is what got me here
- I used it as a crutch: I would eat when I was sad. A lot. Good food made me feel better, and helped me forget being sad, or feeling down on myself.
-I would horde food... When I was 8, it was cheese. I would take a handful of slices and hide them while I ate them. That transferred to hiding cookies/candy/bread/ whatever, to eating food on my way to places so that people didn't see me do it. A bad habit to be in.
-And I would add it on: Grabbing a coffee? add on that donut! Grabbing my meds from CVS? I deserve the reese cups right? Grocery shopping? I mean they put the candy right there... And it's always king sized too!

Of course I did other things too. Portion sizes were never my forte either, but these three are the main triggers I can think of. And when I reverted from confident independant Marie to nervous, uncomfortable Marie, these habits came right on back. I won't get into details, but it's no surprise that combined with new relationship happy weight, I was in denial about puffing out almost 260 pounds.

With a change in my diet, and working my way away from these bad habits, back came my confidence. I stopped letting others walk all over me. I tried to meet new people, and work on myself. Basically, I made myself a priority, health included.

So what happened the past 5 months? Why did I fall off? (And I did fall off. The hiding of the food and the add ons were back. With a vengance)

I think it was partly me needing a break from everything, and partly me not prioritizing. I was putting going out over workouts, because people we're guilting me. I was putting going out over healthy eating, again because I was giving into pressure. But there will always be pressure to go out, and to not do my best. That's not an excuse though. Instead, I used it as one, and gave into that slippery slope. I started to revert back to my "old self", and get back into the bad habits that I worked so hard to erradicate from my life.

 I even noticed I've been a lot more nervous than I used to be, and unsure of myself for whatever reason. Why the two go hand in hand I don't know. I think when I'm on plan I feel stronger, and more self assured, which translates into my day to day life.

 When I'm off, even when it's of my own accord, I feel like I'm failing, which makes me less confident, and scared.. Isn't it funny how the two things correlate so well?  I never really noticed it before!

So that is the old me. But I hate that term, because those aspects of me will never truly go away. They will always be there to rear their ugly head from time to time. How I handle those occurances is the important part though :-)

And as sad as it is, some parts of my "old self" will still always be there. I think my entire life I will have these behaviors come back, and I will constantly have to fight it, and work hard to stay on track and better myself.

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