Figuring Out What Works

So let me start off by saying that I  have never really gone through a "rut" with WW. For which I am very lucky, because a lot of people do go through ruts with their weight loss. I'm sure I will eventually, but the closest I came was about a month and a half ago, when I was limiting myself to my APs alone, limiting my indulgences to rarely, and getting a tad bit obsessive to be honest. What made matters worse was that with all this and my 40+ APs earned each week, I was losing small numbers, if anything at all. I was more getting frustrated because I could feel myself being restricted, and yet I wasn't seeing any payoff.

Looking back, one fact about my weight loss journey that I've noticed is that it is constantly changing. I cannot do the same things for 2+ years and lose the same amounts every week, and find success  that way. Especially with the transition from Momentum to Points Plus, it just wouldn't work.

I started out my weight loss journey by trying different things, and eventually finding my rhythm. From April - September 2010 I was working out 3-4 times a week consistently. I was eating about 1/2-2/3 of my weeklies, and for the most part seeing good losses. I got lazy in September as far as my eating went, but still saw decent sized losses throughout the fall.

Points Plus took some adjustment for me. It also didn't help that it started up right at the holidays, because as it was my first December on Weight Watchers, I had a lot going on and very little idea how to handle situations. I didn't lose that month, but I didn't gain either.

To be honest, the first three months of this year I was toying with PP. I was having small losses, and trying to figure out what I needed to change, and what I didn't. I thought I had figured it out in March/April, with my "only eating what I earn in AP" philosophy, but honestly my losses were unpredictible. And I hated that. If I work hard and do everything right, I want to have that reflected on the scale. I don't want to be dissapointment every week because the number isn't what I thought it would be. And in the same respect, I don't want to see said losses on the weeks that I don't do well. That doesn't help with this motivation issue!

I think that played a big part into why I was getting burnt out. I was obsessing about the number I was seeing each week, and every goddamn thing that went into my mouth. I was beating myself up when I cheated (I shouldn't call it cheating, I should call it living), or when I only made it to the gym 3 times instead of 4, so fearful that even though I had a good week, it still wouldn't be reflected on the scale.

The week before I went to Portland, I gave in. I started to try to get all my GHG's even if it means going into my weeklies by 1-3 for the day. I stopped being afraid to use my weeklies (in my mind, I had so many points in the day. eating my weeklies would make me gain) for items other than Friday/Saturday nights out. I'd have a bit more meat with dinner, or  add the oil and cheese to my veggies to give them a bit more flavor. I started to track everything truthfully again, even if that candy bar or brownie was going to put me over for the day. I stopped being afraid to use the points, because that was a big hurdle for me starting Points Plus. I had it in my mind that my weeklies are there for emergencies, when in reality I should be using them for daily living.

And you know what? I saw HUGE losses those weeks (not my vacation week obviously), including this past one. I knew how hard I worked, how I stayed on track when my friends were visiting, and made sure to get a lot of walks in, even if I didn't make it to the gym. It's so funny that when I stopped being afraid to enjoy myself and eat the points that are given to me, I actually started to see a reflection of my efforts, the one part of the weight watcher program that has frustrated me so much.


And to be honest, I never bought into the philosophy of "eating more and losing more", but now I get it. I'm fuller now, more satisfied. I'm getting in all my GHGs, and focusing on healthy living, even if it is a few points more. I let myself get so obsessed because I didn't feel like I was in control. Every weigh in was a cross your fingers type scenario.

And I'm far from perfect, I definetly don't have it "figured out". I had a quasi good week, but definietly overdid it with the chocolate and candy this weekend, so who knows. To be honest, I'm normally pretty good during that "time of the month", but this week I had horrendous cravings. Like I'm talking animalistic. So I can't place the blame on myself for that :-)

And who knows, in a month I may have to re-evaluate what I'm doing and try something completely new. That is the double edged sword of a weight loss journey. It's never ending, and constantly transforming based on the needs on my body at the time.

I've still got a long way to go. I realize that 40-45 pounds (I may drop my goal weight down to 155, I'll post a different post about  that though) is no easy feat, and will probably take me another year or so. But hey, the ultimately motivator is to look back on what you've come from, not where you're headed. And look at how far I've come in the past year :



And thats only in the past year!

  If that won't get my butt to the gym and keep me going, I don't know what will :-)

Why Do Sunny Days

always fall on a Monday that I'm working?


For real. All weekend was rainy cloudy, or overcast. then I wake up this morning, and its gorgeous. And I see everyone without a desk job is going to the beach

Yea, I'm jealous :-) All I want is a beach day, is that so wrong?

For the first time this month, I had a quiet weekend. And it was awesome. I definetly felt it too, Wednesday I came home from the gym and seriously wanted to pass out then and there. I was absolutely exhausted, and it pretty much translated into the weekend. I slept a good amount Friday night, and yet I was still exhausted all day and night,  with no amount of coffee being able to wake me up.

And because of my exhaustion, I obviously didn't work out. I mean, why would I? I was tired! And that is the best excuse ever to say "Eff the gym" and lie around watching Friday Night Lights all afternoon, right?

Ohh Marie. Thankfully, I made plans to be active with M and sisters on Sunday, and I couldn't get out of that (not until I went to a weight watcher boardie meet up at Buffalo Wild Wings though! It was great to meet some of them in real life!)

So I got dressed in my workout gear and headed out to the Blue Hills for a hiking adventure. We did the basic trails up and down, nothing crazy or new, but it was still a lot of fun, and made me feel 10 times better. I really have found that I like hiking a lot. It's a great workout, a great way to spend time outside, and to spend time with M and my sisters. Plus, it's gorgeous up there, and quiet, so you can truly just relax and enjoy yourself, while burning a compariable amount of calories as I would when I go to the gym.

I think that's why I haven't been going as much as I would like. I've just found so many ways to work out outside, and it rarely feels like actually working out, which is just an added bonus :-)

Friday Reflections

I hit 199.2 today, which in my mind makes my drop into the ONE hundreds more official than it was 2 weeks ago :-) I'm out of the 200's. Which is the first time I can say that since (here's a revelation) 5th grade.

No lies. Prior to third grade I was actually a pretty healthy, moderately skinny child (I have pictures!) But  3rd-6th grade my parents fought a lot. They had money issues, and a lot of family issues, mainly surroundng my grandfather and his mental health problems.The fighting got better eventually, but I feel like it affected me a lot more than it affected my sisters. Whenever they fought, I used to take my sisters up to my bedroom and make sure they were ok, and away from the screaming. I think my method of dealing with it (Since as a 8 year old I had to be strong for my sisters) was through food. I would sneak cheese, crackers, whatever I could find, and sit there and make mini sandwiches, like 10 of them. At the time, I didn't see anything wrong with it. I didn't know I was hoarding food. My doctor called the weight I gained "baby fat", and that I would grow out of it. It wasn't until I was 11 that she sent me to a nutritionist, because obviously a 11 year old shouldn't weigh 230 pounds.

I don't blame my parents at all. They did the best they could, they even sent me to a therapist, which was basically a woman who let me play with toys for an hour and would ask me twice how I was feeling. Waste of money, honestly, but they tried. I've always been the "strong" one, who kept things in and dealt with stuff in my way, so that I didn't add the burden onto my parents. When in truth everything culminated together made me pretty damn depressed, until I made some good friends Sophmore year of High School. Then the weight gain and my home life didn't upset me as much, because I had them to make me happy.

I can't help but think of these memories now more than ever, because it makes me think back to when I was this low, and I realize I can't remember when I weighed less than 200. I remember gaining 50 pounds between 3rd and 4th grade, and another 50 the following year. I look back, and wonder why it didn't bother me. Why didn't I get upset by it, or want to change. Especially in middle school my quality of life was diminished. I was teased, mocked, and had things thrown at me. I was treated like a lesser being by some of my (former) friends, because I was looked down upon by the pretty girls they desperated imitated and tried to be like. It was the main reason why I went to the Catholic High School instead of the public one. I hated the kids in my school, and wanted needed a change.

I see my 17 year old sister now, who lost over 100 pounds when she was 16. Regardless of the fact that she gained a bit back and is struggling to lose it again, she is still such a remarkable person. I see so much of my struggles in her (flaky friends, mean people, lonliness), the difference is she had the strength to do what I could never do. She took her life,  and she transformed it for the better. And regardless of her struggles and the reprocussions of her weight loss, and the fact that her friends still suck sometimes, (Something which I attribute it to having such awesome older sisters that made her so much cooler than the average high schooler :-P) she handles it all so well (most of the time). When she felt sad she asked my mom to see a therapist. When she saw herself spiraling downward and getting scared because of her weight loss, she reached out for help. That alone makes her such a strong person. She doesn't hold resentment towards my parents like my other sister P does, but she doesnt hold in her issues either. She's just such an awesome kid, and I'm so proud of her. It makes me wish I had her strength when I was that age.

I started my weight loss journey for real in April 2010 because I was just tired. I was tired of always hating the way I looked, I was tired of being the big girl. I was tired of my self confidence being so low that I felt (and honestly sometimes still feel) like nothing I had to say has/had any value. I was tired of being exhausted all the time, and bearly having the energy to do day to day things. I had dieted before this, I had even done WW before this,

I just wish I got tired sooner.

+2.2

I jumped on the scale Friday morning. I was up 2.2 from last week. Which I obviously expected. But I won't lie, I wished that I would miraculously be under last week, just because life wanted to reward me for my vacation victories and enjoying myself (now, wouldn't it be awesome if life rewarded you for just enjoying yourself?)

Ah well. Moving on. I know what I could have done better (a lot!). I also know that I had a blast, and needed the break (see previous post). I can't get hung up on the scale, it was only one week, right?

The past weekend my friends A and D came up from Jersey to visit my other friend A and I! The four of us (plus a bunch of others who couldn't make it this weekend) were in London together, and a good time happens whenever they come to visit, this time was no different. Lots of fun, lots of laughing, and lots of me missing our time together in London. Love those girls and love when they come visit! The only downer was I ended up having to babysit saturday night, and my friend A ended up having to go home to see her family, so I felt awful leaving them by themselves. Thankfully M (who really earned his brownie points with me this weekend) came through and met up with them for me, and bar hopped with them. I have never been so thankful to have such a kick-ass boyfriend as I was on Saturday. I was so stressed out with everything (we went to the bruins parade, so some of them had been drinking since noon, and were in rough shape by 6 when I left) and just knowing that my friends were having a great time and not left stranded in the city helped enormously. But enough of that gush :-)




How cute are they? this is them on the busride up friday!

 
All in all, a good weekend.  I did have a plan this weekend though. Did I stick with it perfectly? nope. But I finished the week out tracking everything and making decent choices. I only drank one night (Saturday night I had to babysit, so I missed the bar hopping part and didn't get to meet up with them until close to 1am), and then limited my drinks considerably. I did snack a lot, but I tracked it to the best of my abilities, and can say that I'm still in a pretty good place this week. Now for a weekend after a gain, I definetly could have done better. I did walk a ton (all around boston, I felt it both mornings) but I didn't get to the elusive gym. And I was a bit lax with my WW choices (ginger chicken udon actually turned out to be a relatively healthy choice, as did the turkey burger I had for lunch Saturday), but I didn't just throw caution to the wind and go crazy either.

I also have my first not crazy week in about a month coming up this week. I actually have time to relax, and really focus on my weight loss journey.  And I fully plan on taking advantage of it. Here is my plan (in addition to healthy eating and minimal snacking):
M- gym- 35-40 minutes eliptical, strength training
T- running outside (probably at the beach so just 2 miles)
W- gym- running inside, strength
Thursday- day off

Where I haven't (confessional) worked out consistently in a few weeks, I figure three days on and then a day off are a great start. I have worked out, don't get me wrong. But it's been varied, and not nearly as intense as what I was doing a few weeks back. I'm getting back into it, break time is over! I miss how I felt when I worked out regularly. I slept better, I felt thinner (which was all mental but still), and I was less tempted all the time. I am determined to get below 200, and closer to my goal. And now that life is calming down after graduations, vacations and friend visits, I have the opportunity to focus on myself once again. Life will always get in the way, and it's ok to not be as intense with my system sometimes. I don't want to get to the point where I feel like I have to give up everything just to work out and be healthy. There has to be that balance between the fun and the work. It's my enternal struggle :-)

That Darn Race

So I've put off this post, mainly because I've been crazy busy, but also because I kind of wanted to put the 5K behind me, and just forget it, start to train for another one in September. I did so well with my training this time around, but a largepart of my training made me realize that I hate running on a treadmill. I learned to love running outside. Unfortunetly we had awful weather the week and a half before the race, and I won't lie, I made up excuses to not go to the gym and run on the treadmill. I had also forgotten that this course extremely hilly. I'm talking you look at these hills and say to yourself "there is no way I'm running up that".

But that wasn't the problem with the race. I could have handled that. The problem with the race was that all day (and in all honestly for the few days before as well) I felt off. I couldn't explain it, I just didn't feel great. I felt bloated, and crampy. Which is an awful combination. I tried to stretch out and drink water as much as I could before the race. I even went to the bathroom to make sure I wouldn't have to go halfway through. And the first 4-5 minutes I was fine. And then the cramp started. It was the worst side stich I had ever experienced, and I'm not exaggerating. It scared me, because I could feel my side pulsating as I pressed down on it, trying my hardest to work through the cramp and find my stride. But I couldn't.

During this, my heart started racing. I wore my HRM because I wanted to see the calorie burn, but I could feel it around my chest because my chest felt so tight. The number was close to 200 running, and when I was walking refused to go down past 170. For me running it is normally between 150-170, but never really higher than that. I was nervous and scared, and ended up stopping and breathing deeply for 10 seconds about 4 times, but I still couldn't shake this feeling.

Around 1.5 miles (I'm estimating this because it was about halfway between 1 and 2) the cramp wore off. I had taken my HRM off so that it didn't freak me out anymore. I found a stride. My chest still felt tight, but I could breathe without the pain in my side, so that was good. I could deal with chest tightness :-)

I ended up finishing 41:03. Which could have been a lot worse considering my first mile I clocked in at 17 minutes. My average pace time was 13:30, which means that I completed the second and third mile a lot closer to where I wanted to be. I didn't achieve my goal of sub 40, but I did do better than the last time I tried this course (the Best Buddies race last November)

Bad runs happen. I know that. I'm pretty much over it. I did feel awful for about 24 hours afterwards, and I'm pretty sure that with the pain, my asthma acted up. Which explains the chest tightness. I've had asthma since I was 13, but it's very well controlled. It only flares up when I'm working out, am sick, or have pain of some sort. So it all makes sense :-)

I'm moving on. I'm going back to running regularly starting Monday. I am planning on running a 5K in September, and by then I should be able to (hopefully) run the whole thing!

Because You Can't Let Life Pass You By

Am I right?


That is the theme of my life right now. I've talked about it before, but lately I've been feeling burnt out from tracking. From watching what I eat. From doing Weight Watchers. It's not like I'm not seeing success, but I just feel tired. I walk by people at work eating their muffins and their pasteries on Breakfast Thursdays and wish I could do it to (And I know you can, but the points aren't worth it to me) and not care what I'm consuming.


Ok I don't wish that. I'm happier now than I've ever been, I just hit a wall, so to speak. You do anything for a really long time, eventually you are going to get tired of it, you know? I don't care who you are and how much success you've had on weight watchers. Eventually, it gets hard. And annoying. And you sometimes just think to yourself "I just want to devour a burger" without abandon. Or drink myself silly without thinking about the points plus damage.

So I took my vacation, and vowed not to think about Points Plus. At all. I was going to enjoy myself and have a good time. And take a break from it all. And it was great.

Seriously people. Great. I have so many victories to share (and some bad things too, but I'll share those as well. Full disclosure, right?)

Victories!
-I can honestly say that at every meal I stopped myself when I was full. That includes not finishing my fries at the fish and chips place, ordering a small burger from mcdonalds (hey, sometimes you need it) and bringing home the pizza from Flatbread Pizza Co.
-We walked everywhere! The first night we walked the mile and half into downtown Portland. Then we walked from bar to bar. Saturday we walked around downtown. Especially Saturday night. We went to bars clear across town, and even though it was raining, we still trecked it out. Sunday was our big day. We went to a Wildlife park, and it all spread out. In addition to being a blast, it felt like a great workout afterwards!
-M and I did not drunk eat once. We wanted to, a bit. The second night we even bought snacks so we could do it healthy style. But we resisted, and I'm proud of us for that!

Not so Victorious:
-I drank. A lot. I also threw up the second night from drinking, which I haven't done in almost 8 months. Yikes Marie, Yikes. We partied a bit too hard. Next time we go away we both agreed we don't want to be hungover both days :-)
-I may have snacked a lot Saturday afternoon. Hey, I was hungry!! And on Vacation! :-)

We had such good food while we were there though. Awesome Jappanese, great pizza, great Fish and Chips, amazing Belgian style french fries. I was in foodie heaven!

All in all a good trip. I did overindulge drink style Saturday night, but things happen, right? It could have been worse, and as of right now I'm only up 2 pounds, which I'm okay with.

I've realized a lot of my happiness is based off the scale, which isn't fair. So much of my success is based on what isn't in those numbers. Personal Happiness, Athletic ability, loss of inches. How can I achieve all that and still not lose weight some weeks? And then proceed to beat myself up over it. I need to relax on the scale for awhile. I'm still going to weigh in, but I'm not going to make it my life. If I hit what I want to hit, great. If I don't then I'll just have to do better this week. It's a journey, and I can't live my life constantly restricting myself. There is a line between indulging all the time and just living my life. It's totally doable, I just need to work on my self restraint, and figuring out what's truly important to me.

I do have to update on my race, I'll do that another time though. It's going to be a long one :-)

Vacationland/ ONEderland!!

So since M is taking  a shower, and there is nothing on tv while I wait, I figured I'd update :-)

I loved having yesterday off! It was so nice to sleep in a bit, and have the day to run errands and such. I also woke up and ran for bit. Unfortunately I wasn't on my A game, and ate too close to when I started my run, so I felt off, and got an awful stitch that wouldn't go away. So my run turned into a walk jog, but the way I see it, I wouldn't have gotten anything in yesterday, so it's still a win :-) plus we're going to try to work out today, and then we're going to go kayaking (weather permitting), which will be a good workout as well. Plus life calms down a bit next week, so I'll be able to get in some workouts :-)



I also had a very exciting weigh in yesterday morning, 199.8!!! I honestly can't remember the last time I weighed this little, I'm pretty sure I was still in elementary school. I know I will probably have a small gain next week, but plan on combating it with healthy eating and less drinking.

But so far so good with my plan to enjoy myself without going overboard. We went out last night, and had a late lunch before we left(soup from New England Soup Factory, and we split a wrap), and then went to this belgian style cafe for dinner, where we split a large fry (which was phenom) and a meatloaf panini. We got the sauce on the side, and it honestly didn't need it. I am proud to say that I did not drunk eat, and was satisfied by that alone!!

I'll be sure to post some pics next time!!