1 hr total, 10min weights and running for 33 minutes. And i only walked 12 of them. 2.4 miles baby :-) now its time to drink:-) merry christmas!
Weight Loss Journey!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
You Know What Stinks?
When you work out 4 times, eat within your calories, and resist temptation
and you gain.
I was up to 197.4 today. I decided to switch my WI's to Friday again, but we'll get to that.
And I know, when you implement healthy habits, it might take awhile for your body to start losing, and for this to be reflected in the scale.
But that doesn't make seeing that high of a number any easier. I mean I had soup for dinner last night. Soup and a roll. (It was a filling soup haha). I had calories left over! I didn't even work out (Took a rest day),
But instead of eating my feelings, I did the 30 day shred. It wasn't the best workout (I hate level 3, the moves just don't work right for me), but I burnt 200 calories before work, so I'm not going to complain about that!I did treat myself to a bagel, but opted for light cream cheese and took most of it off before eating it. Back to basics :-)
Wednesday night Matt and I went to AT&T and took the plunge, got rid of my old contract and got a new smartphone. It's pretty and takes awesome pictures, so my blog will be a little better from it, I think :-)
Mini goals:
Meal plan:
B- Bruggers Bagel with 2 tbsp light veggie cream cheese (365)
L- unsure, probably a ceasar salad? Or maybe a light sandwich (between 400-500)
D- stew of some sort at home (I'll track before, don't go over 500)
A- 30 day shred (200)
S- wine! hopefull no more than 250-300 calories worth
Tomorrow-
B english muffin and an egg with cheese (300 calories)
L- light snack (200 calories)
D- apps with Matt's family, planning to stick to around 700-800 calories
A- gym with sister (hopefully a solid 800-900 calorie workout)
S- a few drinks :-) Plan to stay under 500
Today I'm going to:
-stick to my plan
-Only have a few glasses of wine tonight
-focus on my portions
This Weekend I'm going to:
-Work out, at least once on Saturday
-Moderate my drinks
-Focus on portion control and opt for healthy things
- Enjoy Christmas :-)
I'm working on my resolutions. But really, they are more goals for the next year. I'll post them next week :-) One is going to be to get rid of these last 35-40 pounds and hit my freaking goal!
Merry Christmas!!
and you gain.
I was up to 197.4 today. I decided to switch my WI's to Friday again, but we'll get to that.
And I know, when you implement healthy habits, it might take awhile for your body to start losing, and for this to be reflected in the scale.
But that doesn't make seeing that high of a number any easier. I mean I had soup for dinner last night. Soup and a roll. (It was a filling soup haha). I had calories left over! I didn't even work out (Took a rest day),
But instead of eating my feelings, I did the 30 day shred. It wasn't the best workout (I hate level 3, the moves just don't work right for me), but I burnt 200 calories before work, so I'm not going to complain about that!I did treat myself to a bagel, but opted for light cream cheese and took most of it off before eating it. Back to basics :-)
Wednesday night Matt and I went to AT&T and took the plunge, got rid of my old contract and got a new smartphone. It's pretty and takes awesome pictures, so my blog will be a little better from it, I think :-)
Mini goals:
Meal plan:
B- Bruggers Bagel with 2 tbsp light veggie cream cheese (365)
L- unsure, probably a ceasar salad? Or maybe a light sandwich (between 400-500)
D- stew of some sort at home (I'll track before, don't go over 500)
A- 30 day shred (200)
S- wine! hopefull no more than 250-300 calories worth
Tomorrow-
B english muffin and an egg with cheese (300 calories)
L- light snack (200 calories)
D- apps with Matt's family, planning to stick to around 700-800 calories
A- gym with sister (hopefully a solid 800-900 calorie workout)
S- a few drinks :-) Plan to stay under 500
Today I'm going to:
-stick to my plan
-Only have a few glasses of wine tonight
-focus on my portions
This Weekend I'm going to:
-Work out, at least once on Saturday
-Moderate my drinks
-Focus on portion control and opt for healthy things
- Enjoy Christmas :-)
I'm working on my resolutions. But really, they are more goals for the next year. I'll post them next week :-) One is going to be to get rid of these last 35-40 pounds and hit my freaking goal!
Merry Christmas!!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
I really need my computer back
It's starting to affect my posting! Sorry for the delay, here is my schedule:
Pretty basic, we managed to stock up on stuff we were low on, and buy ingredients for Christmas Eve dinner as well (we do apps at Matt's parents house), and still be under budget thanks to a low grocery week last week! I'm a firm believer that going in with a list really does save you a ton of money. That is one part of moving out I was afraid about, but on average to buy food for work, I was spending around 100 bucks a month on just lunch and dinners! I'm not able to get all 3 meals for a little bit over that (Our joint food budget is around 60 a week, so 120 per person each month)
It's been a busy few weeks, and I don't see it calming down until after christmas, and maybe even after new years! Last week work was insane, and combined with finishing up christmas shopping (all I have left is gift cards!) and having a million things to do after work each night, I may have thrown a mini fit on Saturday while picking stuff up, complete with crying over a messy kitchen :-) I'm better now, we spent some time cleaning up, and went to IKEA to buy storage things, so we have more places to put stuff, which is an awesome feeling! My goal for the next week is to get my pictures framed (they are being shipped as we speak!), and get the shelves built so we can finally get rid of the boxes of decorations lying around my apartment.
I had every intention of going to the gym yesterday, but made the mistake of eating string cheese, which upset my stomach. I'm thinking it may have gone bad. Or I need to take my prevacid when I wake up :-) Either way I didn't work out, which stinks. But I'll still get in 4 days (Friday, Sunday, todays workout, tomorrows workout) which is okay.Instead I made the most amazing pork. I'll sneak ya the recipe (ok ok it's not my recipe. But I found it, so that counts right?)
Spicy Asian Pork Tenderloin (adapted from myrecipes.com)
Ingredients:
Super easy right? It was amazing. Sweet and spicy at the same time. I marinated the pork (which I sliced into medallions) and put them in a frying pan with some peppers and onions. They came out so juicy, and crispy, I was really happy :-) I paired it with snap peas tossed in olive oil, salt pepper and parmesean, and some white rice. I felt so accomplished, which made up a little bit for not going to the gym :-)
While I haven't been excellent about my workouts this week (although I haven't been bad either) I do feel pretty good about my eating. I had my friend's holiday party on Friday, and caught myself eating too much, and took a step back, which is huge for me.I also stuck to my wine, which cut down a bunch of calories as well :-)
This was followed by a second NSV on Saturday night. Matt and I went out for a date night to this beer bar/ pizza place called Penguin Pizza. We had a groupon, and I'm so glad we did it finally, because the place was awesome! It was really cute inside, and the pizza (we got the steak and cheese) was awesome. Thin and crispy, and the toppings didn't over power it, which I loved. I hate pizza with too much topping on it, takes away from the pizza itself :-) I only had 2 slices, and a few really good beers. A great night, and a NSV for me! I did eat a third slice when I got home, but in my mind, it's better than eating 3 out and a 4th at home, or something else when I got home (I was pretty drunk, damn those belgian beers!)
My plan for the next few days is to plan ahead and make sure I stick to the plan! I'm not drinking until the weekend, since it'll be a drink heavy one (with Christmas and everything). I also made an egg hashbrown cassarole to last me the rest of the week. It's very similar to the egg hashbrown muffins emilybites makes, except I put it in a pan instead of cupcake form :-) It was a delicious breakfast, and really light in calories too! My goal is to stay away from treats this week, as hard as that may be. Gotta start sometime, right?
Happy Tuesday!
| Breakfast | Lunch | Dinner | workout | |
| Friday | egg/toast | pulled pork sandwich | holiday party | AM video |
| Saturday | n/a | pizza | pizza | off |
| Sunday | omelet/toast | chicken pot pie | video | |
| Monday | english muffin with peanut butter | leftover pot pie | pork tenderloin, roasted pot, snap peas | off |
| Tuesday | Egg/hashbrown casserole | ? | boston market | gym |
| Wednesday | Egg/hashbrown casserole | unknown | buffalo chicken mac and cheese | am yoga |
| Thursday | Egg/hashbrown casserole | leftover mac and cheese | chicken pot pie soup | gym |
Pretty basic, we managed to stock up on stuff we were low on, and buy ingredients for Christmas Eve dinner as well (we do apps at Matt's parents house), and still be under budget thanks to a low grocery week last week! I'm a firm believer that going in with a list really does save you a ton of money. That is one part of moving out I was afraid about, but on average to buy food for work, I was spending around 100 bucks a month on just lunch and dinners! I'm not able to get all 3 meals for a little bit over that (Our joint food budget is around 60 a week, so 120 per person each month)
It's been a busy few weeks, and I don't see it calming down until after christmas, and maybe even after new years! Last week work was insane, and combined with finishing up christmas shopping (all I have left is gift cards!) and having a million things to do after work each night, I may have thrown a mini fit on Saturday while picking stuff up, complete with crying over a messy kitchen :-) I'm better now, we spent some time cleaning up, and went to IKEA to buy storage things, so we have more places to put stuff, which is an awesome feeling! My goal for the next week is to get my pictures framed (they are being shipped as we speak!), and get the shelves built so we can finally get rid of the boxes of decorations lying around my apartment.
I had every intention of going to the gym yesterday, but made the mistake of eating string cheese, which upset my stomach. I'm thinking it may have gone bad. Or I need to take my prevacid when I wake up :-) Either way I didn't work out, which stinks. But I'll still get in 4 days (Friday, Sunday, todays workout, tomorrows workout) which is okay.Instead I made the most amazing pork. I'll sneak ya the recipe (ok ok it's not my recipe. But I found it, so that counts right?)
Spicy Asian Pork Tenderloin (adapted from myrecipes.com)
Ingredients:
- 1/4 C hoisin Sauce
- 2 tbsp chili sauce
- 1 tsp garlic
- 1 lb pork tenderloin
- salt pepper, paprika,
- 1 tbsp soy sauce
- 1/8 c korean bbq sauce
Super easy right? It was amazing. Sweet and spicy at the same time. I marinated the pork (which I sliced into medallions) and put them in a frying pan with some peppers and onions. They came out so juicy, and crispy, I was really happy :-) I paired it with snap peas tossed in olive oil, salt pepper and parmesean, and some white rice. I felt so accomplished, which made up a little bit for not going to the gym :-)
While I haven't been excellent about my workouts this week (although I haven't been bad either) I do feel pretty good about my eating. I had my friend's holiday party on Friday, and caught myself eating too much, and took a step back, which is huge for me.I also stuck to my wine, which cut down a bunch of calories as well :-)
This was followed by a second NSV on Saturday night. Matt and I went out for a date night to this beer bar/ pizza place called Penguin Pizza. We had a groupon, and I'm so glad we did it finally, because the place was awesome! It was really cute inside, and the pizza (we got the steak and cheese) was awesome. Thin and crispy, and the toppings didn't over power it, which I loved. I hate pizza with too much topping on it, takes away from the pizza itself :-) I only had 2 slices, and a few really good beers. A great night, and a NSV for me! I did eat a third slice when I got home, but in my mind, it's better than eating 3 out and a 4th at home, or something else when I got home (I was pretty drunk, damn those belgian beers!)
My plan for the next few days is to plan ahead and make sure I stick to the plan! I'm not drinking until the weekend, since it'll be a drink heavy one (with Christmas and everything). I also made an egg hashbrown cassarole to last me the rest of the week. It's very similar to the egg hashbrown muffins emilybites makes, except I put it in a pan instead of cupcake form :-) It was a delicious breakfast, and really light in calories too! My goal is to stay away from treats this week, as hard as that may be. Gotta start sometime, right?
Happy Tuesday!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
| To start, an updated plan: Plan for week | ||||
| Breakfast | Lunch | Dinner | workout | |
| Friday | egg & english muffin | Leftovers | cpk frozen pizza | gym- cardio/strength |
| Saturday | burrito bowl | Asian Peanut Noodles ( ST) | walk with dog/Matt | |
| Sunday | bacon egg and cheese sandwich | movie theather popcorn, small fries | Ham And Cheese Sandwich | Walk dog |
| Monday | cinnamon raisin english muffin with smart balance butter | leftover steak pie | Cheeseburger stir fry, baby potatos | off |
| Tuesday | cinnamon raisin english muffin with smart balance butter | Ziti Spinach Pasta Bake (ST) | Asian Chicken Lettuce Wraps (EB) | gym- cardio/strength |
| Wednesday | egg/hashbrown cups (EB) | Ziti Spinach Pasta Bake (ST) | pasta with meatsauce, veggies | AM Video- strength/yoga |
| Thursday | egg/hashbrown cups (EB) | Ziti Spinach Pasta Bake (ST) | Pulled Pork Sandwiches (CYSFD) | gym- cardio OR video |
I had to switch some stuff around, due to my schedule and the like. Still basically the same :-) I had a pretty good weekend staying OPwise! I didn't go overboard, stuck to my plan, and actually worked out Friday, and walked on Saturday and Sunday. One thing I didn't do great on was pre tracking, and as a result I went over a bunch. But I still made relatively smart decisions, and would say this was one of my best weekends in awhile :-)
Friday night Matt and I had a "date night" where we actually went out haha. It was a lot of fun, we we're supposed to make asian peanut noodles, but Matt wasn't feeling great when he got home, so we ended up just having a frozen pizza instead, and some apps. We went out for drinks at the Sunset, which is one of my favorite bars in Boston. It's just such a cool place, and has a great vibe to it. We had a lot of fun hanging out, trying different beers, and enjoying each other's company. Love date night :-)
Saturday was supposed to be a cleaning day, but that got derailed. I had to get up early (which was hard considering I didn't get to bed till 2) for an orientation at the Red Cross. I decided a month ago that I want to get involved more, and found the opportunity to join the RC and volunteer whenever I can, which is really the best for my schedule. I was so late to the orientation (I got lost and realized after that I drove by it like 3 times!) but ended up hearing the portion I wanted to hear, and got added onto the volunteer list, so it was worth it :-)
I did get to clean up a bit, and then Matt and I headed back to my home to puppy sit. My dogs arthritis has been acting up lately, and my parents we're going away this weekend, so they asked that I would spend the night and just watch him. It was actually good, because it gave us a chance to run some errands around our home, and just hang in. We watched Saving Private Ryan, which I had never seen, and just chilled with my puppy. I was so tired, I was falling asleep by like 1130 haha, so it was a good night to hang in :-)
I think because I went to sleep so easy on Saturday night, I woke up at 9 on sunday and couldn't sleep. So I grabbed the dog and brought him for a nice long walk (his arthritis was doing a lot better by Saturday, he was running around the house!). It was good for both of us, I love getting up early on Sunday mornings, it's so peaceful :-)
The rest of the day, not so peaceful. I went to see New Years Eve with some friends (I don't know why I expected it to be better, my friends liked it, but It could have been better I think), and then christmas shopping, which was insane at the mall and reminded me why I do most of my shopping online :-) But it was fun to get to hang out with them and catch up :-)
So a quiet yet eventful weekend :-) I did have some slip ups (the peanut noodles were awful, so we ended up splitting some BK, and I got fries at the mall) but overall I could have done worse, and got some activity in, so I'm hopefully that I'll be able to keep it up!
One thing I'm super excited about is running. I've had two runs so far and (fingers crossed) no stomach cramps! I was talking to my friend a few weeks ago about it all, and she mentioned that maybe it was because I was eating too far away from my workout. She suggested I try having a small snack an hour before working out, and see what happens. And It worked! So hopefully we can keep this up!
There was so much I wanted to do this weekend, and yet none of it got done. I have Christmas presents to make, food to bake, and so much cleaning to get done. And I need to fix my computer! I know It'll get done, it just makes this week so much busier now, which isn't fun. I need to work on my time management :-)
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Oh Hey There Hypocrisy
If that's even your real name!
I gained today. Up to 195.4. Not going to even talk about it. Because after everything that I posted about yesterday, guess what I did?
After work, I went grocery shopping, and realized I was hungry and wanted to workout. I could have gotten an apple, or even a bag of popcorn or pretzels to satisfy me.
Nope, I got Reeses. And then after that when I realized I had forgotten to grab pumpkin, I stopped at Walgreens, and grabbed some fig newtons. Because my heart burn was outrageous yesterday, and the reeses didn't help. I also grabbed some diet ginger ale.
I tried to estimate how many calories. It wasn't easy, and to be honest, it doesn't matter, because I know I went over.
I did work out, even if it was only 20 minutes, it was something.
So at this point I can do two things:
1. Feel sorry for myself, fall off further, and never fully get out of this funk and have another 6 months where I'll be on one week and off the next.
OR
2. Feel bad for myself, then move on. Buy healthy snacks for work, and focus on being 100% OP this week.
I'm going to go with number two. Here is the feel bad part:
-I'm wearing my sisters old jeans, and they fit funny. And are low, which is making me feel bloated and large. I'm having major digestive issues (probably from the lack of fruit in my diet) and am PMSing like crazy. Which doesn't help things. I'm tired as that effing wind storm woke me up last night. I had more fig newtons for breakfast because I was running late. Luckily there are worse things to binge out on. I still can't believe how hypocritical I acted yesterday, posting about everything and then giving in not even 3 hours later. Sucks.
Ok, done with. Over. I'm putting it out there. Tracking my weight. Owning up to everthing.
I may give myself an extra day off next week. Maybe Tuesday. We'll see. I'd rather plan for more than plan for less and not meet them all. But I am very excited for the meal planning. BTW
ST-Skinny Taste
EB- Emily Bites
CYSFD-Can you stay for dinner?
Happy Thursday! I'll be on plan this weekend, but I plan on enjoying my date night tomorrow night. Matt is cooking me noodles and then we are going to our favorite bar. I'm excited!
I gained today. Up to 195.4. Not going to even talk about it. Because after everything that I posted about yesterday, guess what I did?
After work, I went grocery shopping, and realized I was hungry and wanted to workout. I could have gotten an apple, or even a bag of popcorn or pretzels to satisfy me.
Nope, I got Reeses. And then after that when I realized I had forgotten to grab pumpkin, I stopped at Walgreens, and grabbed some fig newtons. Because my heart burn was outrageous yesterday, and the reeses didn't help. I also grabbed some diet ginger ale.
I tried to estimate how many calories. It wasn't easy, and to be honest, it doesn't matter, because I know I went over.
I did work out, even if it was only 20 minutes, it was something.
So at this point I can do two things:
1. Feel sorry for myself, fall off further, and never fully get out of this funk and have another 6 months where I'll be on one week and off the next.
OR
2. Feel bad for myself, then move on. Buy healthy snacks for work, and focus on being 100% OP this week.
I'm going to go with number two. Here is the feel bad part:
-I'm wearing my sisters old jeans, and they fit funny. And are low, which is making me feel bloated and large. I'm having major digestive issues (probably from the lack of fruit in my diet) and am PMSing like crazy. Which doesn't help things. I'm tired as that effing wind storm woke me up last night. I had more fig newtons for breakfast because I was running late. Luckily there are worse things to binge out on. I still can't believe how hypocritical I acted yesterday, posting about everything and then giving in not even 3 hours later. Sucks.
Ok, done with. Over. I'm putting it out there. Tracking my weight. Owning up to everthing.
| Plan for week | ||||
| Breakfast | Lunch | Dinner | workout | |
| Friday | egg & english muffin | Leftovers | Asian Peanut Noodles ( ST) | AM yoga |
| Saturday | English mufin | burrito bowl | stir fry | walk with dog/Matt |
| Sunday | egg/ english muffin | n/a, small snack during day | unsure- at parents | AM video |
| Monday | egg/hashbrown cups (EB) | Ziti Spinach Pasta Bake (ST) | Carne Guisada (Beef Stew, ST), rice | gym-cardio/strength |
| Tuesday | egg/hashbrown cups (EB) | Ziti Spinach Pasta Bake (ST) | Pulled Pork Sandwiches (CYSFD), sweet potato fries, salad | Gym- cardio |
| Wednesday | egg/hashbrown cups (EB) | Ziti Spinach Pasta Bake (ST) | Asian Chicken Lettuce Wraps (EB) | AM Video- strength/yoga |
| Thursday | egg/hashbrown cups (EB) | Ziti Spinach Pasta Bake (ST) | Steak and cheeses (with leftover stew beef), oven fries, snap peas | gym-cardio/strength |
I may give myself an extra day off next week. Maybe Tuesday. We'll see. I'd rather plan for more than plan for less and not meet them all. But I am very excited for the meal planning. BTW
ST-Skinny Taste
EB- Emily Bites
CYSFD-Can you stay for dinner?
Happy Thursday! I'll be on plan this weekend, but I plan on enjoying my date night tomorrow night. Matt is cooking me noodles and then we are going to our favorite bar. I'm excited!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The "Old" Me
"What did the old you used to over indulge on? "
This question was posed on the Weight Watcher boards today, and while I don't like thinking of my past as the "old me" (because I'm still the same person, basically), it got me thinking.
I've changed a lot in the past five years. I'm a lot more independant than I used to be (I used to rely on others for self satisfaction, instead of trying to be self sufficient, and basically did whatever others wanted me to do), and I owe my time in London to that, because going abroad knowing no one and being forced out of my shell and to depend on no one but myself did a lot for me.
I got back from London and felt like a different person. I was self assured, confident (thanks to my 20 pound weight loss haha) and excited to continue exploring and learning about myself and my world around me (as corny as that sounds). And then I went back to FU, where I was constantly made to feel inadequate by others, and that new found confidence vanished. I missed my abroad life, or even my home life. It was the first time I was truly honest with myself: I wasn't very happy there.
I took solace in food, and just felt lost. I had my friend D (and this was the semester that we became really tight), but I missed my boyfriend, and my family and friends from home. I missed my london friends, and my life. I hated being surrounded by people who didn't "get" me, and more importantly, had no interest in getting to know me, at all.
I can't help but wonder if I hadn't lost my confidence, and instead had it built up further, would I have regained the weight, or would my WW starting point have been 220 instead of 258? I'll never know, but sometimes its fun to look back on how much things have changed. Even in the last year, I have such different priorities than I did in the past. And I think, overall, that is a good thing. I managed to have so much success on WW because I made my health a priority. Sure, I wanted to candy bar, or that extra beer, or the extra serving, but I didn't need it. And having it wasn't going to help me lose any faster. I was so good about it! It was great!
So lets backtrack a little bit. Everyone has their reasons for gaining weight and needing to lose. Here is what got me here
- I used it as a crutch: I would eat when I was sad. A lot. Good food made me feel better, and helped me forget being sad, or feeling down on myself.
-I would horde food... When I was 8, it was cheese. I would take a handful of slices and hide them while I ate them. That transferred to hiding cookies/candy/bread/ whatever, to eating food on my way to places so that people didn't see me do it. A bad habit to be in.
-And I would add it on: Grabbing a coffee? add on that donut! Grabbing my meds from CVS? I deserve the reese cups right? Grocery shopping? I mean they put the candy right there... And it's always king sized too!
Of course I did other things too. Portion sizes were never my forte either, but these three are the main triggers I can think of. And when I reverted from confident independant Marie to nervous, uncomfortable Marie, these habits came right on back. I won't get into details, but it's no surprise that combined with new relationship happy weight, I was in denial about puffing out almost 260 pounds.
With a change in my diet, and working my way away from these bad habits, back came my confidence. I stopped letting others walk all over me. I tried to meet new people, and work on myself. Basically, I made myself a priority, health included.
So what happened the past 5 months? Why did I fall off? (And I did fall off. The hiding of the food and the add ons were back. With a vengance)
I think it was partly me needing a break from everything, and partly me not prioritizing. I was putting going out over workouts, because people we're guilting me. I was putting going out over healthy eating, again because I was giving into pressure. But there will always be pressure to go out, and to not do my best. That's not an excuse though. Instead, I used it as one, and gave into that slippery slope. I started to revert back to my "old self", and get back into the bad habits that I worked so hard to erradicate from my life.
I even noticed I've been a lot more nervous than I used to be, and unsure of myself for whatever reason. Why the two go hand in hand I don't know. I think when I'm on plan I feel stronger, and more self assured, which translates into my day to day life.
When I'm off, even when it's of my own accord, I feel like I'm failing, which makes me less confident, and scared.. Isn't it funny how the two things correlate so well? I never really noticed it before!
So that is the old me. But I hate that term, because those aspects of me will never truly go away. They will always be there to rear their ugly head from time to time. How I handle those occurances is the important part though :-)
And as sad as it is, some parts of my "old self" will still always be there. I think my entire life I will have these behaviors come back, and I will constantly have to fight it, and work hard to stay on track and better myself.
This question was posed on the Weight Watcher boards today, and while I don't like thinking of my past as the "old me" (because I'm still the same person, basically), it got me thinking.
I've changed a lot in the past five years. I'm a lot more independant than I used to be (I used to rely on others for self satisfaction, instead of trying to be self sufficient, and basically did whatever others wanted me to do), and I owe my time in London to that, because going abroad knowing no one and being forced out of my shell and to depend on no one but myself did a lot for me.
I got back from London and felt like a different person. I was self assured, confident (thanks to my 20 pound weight loss haha) and excited to continue exploring and learning about myself and my world around me (as corny as that sounds). And then I went back to FU, where I was constantly made to feel inadequate by others, and that new found confidence vanished. I missed my abroad life, or even my home life. It was the first time I was truly honest with myself: I wasn't very happy there.
I took solace in food, and just felt lost. I had my friend D (and this was the semester that we became really tight), but I missed my boyfriend, and my family and friends from home. I missed my london friends, and my life. I hated being surrounded by people who didn't "get" me, and more importantly, had no interest in getting to know me, at all.
I can't help but wonder if I hadn't lost my confidence, and instead had it built up further, would I have regained the weight, or would my WW starting point have been 220 instead of 258? I'll never know, but sometimes its fun to look back on how much things have changed. Even in the last year, I have such different priorities than I did in the past. And I think, overall, that is a good thing. I managed to have so much success on WW because I made my health a priority. Sure, I wanted to candy bar, or that extra beer, or the extra serving, but I didn't need it. And having it wasn't going to help me lose any faster. I was so good about it! It was great!
So lets backtrack a little bit. Everyone has their reasons for gaining weight and needing to lose. Here is what got me here
- I used it as a crutch: I would eat when I was sad. A lot. Good food made me feel better, and helped me forget being sad, or feeling down on myself.
-I would horde food... When I was 8, it was cheese. I would take a handful of slices and hide them while I ate them. That transferred to hiding cookies/candy/bread/ whatever, to eating food on my way to places so that people didn't see me do it. A bad habit to be in.
-And I would add it on: Grabbing a coffee? add on that donut! Grabbing my meds from CVS? I deserve the reese cups right? Grocery shopping? I mean they put the candy right there... And it's always king sized too!
Of course I did other things too. Portion sizes were never my forte either, but these three are the main triggers I can think of. And when I reverted from confident independant Marie to nervous, uncomfortable Marie, these habits came right on back. I won't get into details, but it's no surprise that combined with new relationship happy weight, I was in denial about puffing out almost 260 pounds.
With a change in my diet, and working my way away from these bad habits, back came my confidence. I stopped letting others walk all over me. I tried to meet new people, and work on myself. Basically, I made myself a priority, health included.
So what happened the past 5 months? Why did I fall off? (And I did fall off. The hiding of the food and the add ons were back. With a vengance)
I think it was partly me needing a break from everything, and partly me not prioritizing. I was putting going out over workouts, because people we're guilting me. I was putting going out over healthy eating, again because I was giving into pressure. But there will always be pressure to go out, and to not do my best. That's not an excuse though. Instead, I used it as one, and gave into that slippery slope. I started to revert back to my "old self", and get back into the bad habits that I worked so hard to erradicate from my life.
I even noticed I've been a lot more nervous than I used to be, and unsure of myself for whatever reason. Why the two go hand in hand I don't know. I think when I'm on plan I feel stronger, and more self assured, which translates into my day to day life.
When I'm off, even when it's of my own accord, I feel like I'm failing, which makes me less confident, and scared.. Isn't it funny how the two things correlate so well? I never really noticed it before!
So that is the old me. But I hate that term, because those aspects of me will never truly go away. They will always be there to rear their ugly head from time to time. How I handle those occurances is the important part though :-)
And as sad as it is, some parts of my "old self" will still always be there. I think my entire life I will have these behaviors come back, and I will constantly have to fight it, and work hard to stay on track and better myself.
Monday, December 5, 2011
I Have A Defense, I swear!!
I didn't just abandon all my "changes" that I posted about. Between a crazy busy week at work, and a virus ridden home laptop. I haven't had time to post. Once I get my computer working again I will get back on my tracking! Also, If any of you are computer geniuses out there, any advice would be greatly appreciated. My McAfee scan tells me I have 0 viruses, but the "privacy protection" my computer has says there are 90. And my firefox won't open. Ugh, it's so frustrating. I paid for McAfee for a reason!
Anyways, as far as updates go:
-I was sick Wednesday-Sunday. Like hacking up a lung sick. Drinking didn't help, but I sadly did it anyways (dumb) I didn't go crazy though, especially Saturday night I restrained msyelf :-) Thankfully A lazy Saturday filled with Friday Night Lights (Season 4 is so good) and chinese food seemed to help. As did shopping and a home cooked meal last night. And lots of sleeping :-)
-I did WI on Thursday, and lost 3.2! I couldn't believe it, because all week I had felt so large, and the scale was saying scary numbers. I even complained to Matt on Wednesday night about how I was trying so damn hard and not seeing any results, if anything I was gaining. So to get that validation was nice.
Overall, I could have done better this weekend, but I also could have been a lot worse. Mainly Friday night was a bit calorie heavy, but Saturday I resisted snacking and even went for a nice long walk (which burnt 350 calories) and Sunday I had a nice filling breakfast, a 30 minute walk with the puppy, and an awesome steak dinner with my parents, so I was in really good shape by the time night came around :-) I'm optomistic for the rest of the week. I wish I did more fitness wise this weekend, but at the same time I know it was for the best, because if I had pushed myself I may have still been sick!
Hopefully I can get my computer situation figured out soon, and I will post more frequently!
Anyways, as far as updates go:
-I was sick Wednesday-Sunday. Like hacking up a lung sick. Drinking didn't help, but I sadly did it anyways (dumb) I didn't go crazy though, especially Saturday night I restrained msyelf :-) Thankfully A lazy Saturday filled with Friday Night Lights (Season 4 is so good) and chinese food seemed to help. As did shopping and a home cooked meal last night. And lots of sleeping :-)
-I did WI on Thursday, and lost 3.2! I couldn't believe it, because all week I had felt so large, and the scale was saying scary numbers. I even complained to Matt on Wednesday night about how I was trying so damn hard and not seeing any results, if anything I was gaining. So to get that validation was nice.
Overall, I could have done better this weekend, but I also could have been a lot worse. Mainly Friday night was a bit calorie heavy, but Saturday I resisted snacking and even went for a nice long walk (which burnt 350 calories) and Sunday I had a nice filling breakfast, a 30 minute walk with the puppy, and an awesome steak dinner with my parents, so I was in really good shape by the time night came around :-) I'm optomistic for the rest of the week. I wish I did more fitness wise this weekend, but at the same time I know it was for the best, because if I had pushed myself I may have still been sick!
Hopefully I can get my computer situation figured out soon, and I will post more frequently!
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