Thursday, November 4, 2010

Winter's coming

You can see it in the weather. It's been freezing here the last few days, like winter jacket, gloves freezing. Maybe I'm just not ready for the winter, so everything feels colder than it is :-)

Either way, today my office seems to finally realize that its November, and having the air on is innapropriate at this stage (they didn't get that yesterday, and the wall heater did very little to combat the cold air coming through the big vents over my head. I was shivering and my fingers were purple)

But I digress! All in all, I think I could have been a LOT  worse this week, with Halloween and all. Normally, I'm super good about resisting candy and the like, but not this week. I ate at least 2 pieces a day,which honestly is better than I would have done last year. It's so hard when they leave candy near the water bubbler!! And this weekend I did have a few snacks, and got super drunk on Saturday. However I had great workouts Friday night and Saturday afternoon, and ate modest, point friendly meals all weekend. So a sweet here and there won't kill me. Plus I tracked EVERYTHING :-)

In addition to my weekend workouts, I also had a decent workout on Monday (I had a terrible side cramp so I ran/walked, but hey, better than nothing, right?) where I focused more on strength and core. And then Yesterday I worked out and had my best run yet. I finished at 2.75 miles (including .25 warm up and cool down). I ran for a total of 29 minutes, and honestly felt great. The first five minutes I was engrossed in a quality episode of Cash Cab, and when I realized I'd already gotten 7 minutes into my run, I had already overcome that initial hurdle of feeling tired and winded, and got into a grove. I did take 3 20 second breaks, to catch my breath and have a sip of water (The asthma will make me all dizzy and nauseus if I don't do this), but I was so invigorated after!! And it got me really excited for my race, which is in about 2 weeks. This sunday, no excuses I am running outside. I'm going to map out my run tonight, I think.

Another WL hurdle I worked on this week was talking about my weight with BF. On Tuesday night he was telling me how he hasn't weiged himself since he started working out and watching his diet about a month ago, so he doesn't know how much he weighs. He's afraid that not seeing a huge loss will discourage him, so he's just going to keep on doing what he's doing and hope for the best. We got on the topic of my weigh ins, and I did something I've never done before: I told him my starting weight. It was so scary for me, and initially I took his shock for disgust, because I am so insecure with that. I haven't told him before because the rediculous girl inside of me thought that telling him would make him not like me anymore, and be grossed out to be with someone that big. I'm almost 30 pounds down, and while I have a long way to go, I need to be proud of what I have accomplished. I don't get a lot of recognition from those around me, and I need to have that pride come from within.

Anyways another fear of mine is that knowing how much I weigh, M will subconsciously try and push me to lose more, because deep down he wants me to be skinny. I have had a few conversations with him where I got offended because he offered to be a "drill sargent" for me, and in the back of my mind, I take that as he'll make me feel bad for skipping a workout or eating something. It's weird, but when people offer to "help" me, my messed up mind takes it as an insult. I can't explain it, but I always turn him down, which I think offends him a bit. This weekend I heard from a friend that one of our friends was telling his girlfriend that she had to work out for eating X amount of food that night, called her fat, etc. I think I fear that if I let M help me with my weight loss, it will come to that, which is ridiculous. M cares so much about me, and would never hurt me like that.

This isn't going to have an easy solution, I realize that my WLJ has to be personal, but I can't push away my support team either. I need to figure out the balance that will make me happy, and let my victories be something M can share with me :-)

I'll recap my WI tomorrow!!

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